


Pain comes dancing with laughter

by potooyoutoo



Series: the second son [1]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars: Thrawn Series - Timothy Zahn (2017)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Arranged Marriage, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Forced Marriage, Grief/Mourning, Implied/Referenced Character Death, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-15
Updated: 2020-09-15
Packaged: 2021-03-06 22:48:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,593
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26486680
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/potooyoutoo/pseuds/potooyoutoo
Summary: House Mitth was nothing if not traditional, and traditional marriage law stated that if one sibling died, it was the responsibility and right of the next oldest sibling to marry the deceased's spouse, to care and provide for them.It's been a week since Eli lost his husband and he's not sure he can handle this.
Relationships: Ar'alani & Thrawn | Mitth'raw'nuruodo, Ar'alani/Karyn Faro, Karyn Faro & Eli Vanto, Thrass | Mitth'ras'safis/Eli Vanto, Thrawn | Mitth'raw'nuruodo/Eli Vanto
Series: the second son [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1925548
Comments: 15
Kudos: 58





	Pain comes dancing with laughter

**Author's Note:**

> Hello friends! I finally got my shit together and finished reading Treason, thus inspiring me to finish this little heartbreaker of a fic. It's very loosely set in a fantasy/historical setting, but that doesn't really play into the story all that much. Just imagine them all on fancy boats rather than space ships.
> 
> I must thank the intrepid funnyhowthatis and the wondrous [National_Nobody](http://archiveofourown.org/users/National_Nobody/pseuds/National_Nobody) for their incredibly helpful feedback and encouragement. Welcome to Thranto hell, my dears.
> 
> Also, the title is pulled from the song [No Gold](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8iNrvM0KiCY) by Akine, which I highly recommend.

Eli looked in the mirror, noting his dark circles, the way his forced, practiced smile didn’t quite reach his eyes. He was wearing the same tunic he had the first time, carefully stored in the back of his boudoir until now. Turning to the side, he took stock of the way the gold trimmed burgundy silk settled across his body. In all honesty, he was surprised it still fit. Glancing at the dressing table, he reached with a slightly shaking hand for the sash that lay there, running his fingers across the intricate embroidery.

A sudden knock at the door drew his attention away. “Come in.”

“Eli?” The door swung open and one of Eli’s oldest friends stepped into the room, dressed in her formal uniform. “They’re almost ready. You doing alright?”

Smiling weakly, Eli shrugged, “I’m fine, Karyn. I’d just prefer to get this over with.”

One eyebrow raised in classic Karyn Faro Disbelief, she stepped forward and brushed non-existent dust from Eli’s shoulder. Voice low and firm, she said, “You know, you don’t have to do this. You just say the word and I’ll put an end to it.”

“Heh, I know you would. But I can’t back out of this.” Eli sighed, letting his head fall against Karyn’s shoulder. “I can’t do that to my family. You know that.”

He could practically hear Karyn’s grimace as she pulled him into a hug, mumbling against his hair. “I know, I know. I just… I hate seeing you like this. I mean, it’s barely been a week since… well,  _ since _ , and you’ve met the man, what? Once?”

“Twice,” Eli corrected softly, “Once at the engagement announcement and then at the wedding.”

“Right.” Karyn stepped back, lips pressed into a tight line as she looked Eli up and down. “Ugh… couldn’t they at least have let you two have some sort of, I don’t know, engagement period? Let you grieve first before,” she gestured vaguely, “all this?”

“That’s… just not how it’s done, Karyn.” Squaring his shoulders, Eli turned and grabbed the sash, handing it to Karyn. “Let’s just get it over with.”

\--

Stepping into the temple, Eli was overcome with a wave of deja vu. It looked almost exactly as it had three years ago, the first time he’d bound himself, heart and soul, to House Mitth. The vaulted ceilings were draped with burgundy and gold, candles in similar shades lining the walls and illuminating the lowest panes of the soaring stained glass windows. The crowd gathered in the pews was somewhat smaller than before, but representatives from all the major Houses were present, each garbed in their finest. Beside the smooth, blackstone altar, the head priest stood, speaking softly with a tall man garbed in military black and Mitth burgundy. On seeing the man, it was all Eli could do to keep his breathing steady, his heart clenching painfully as he took note of every way in which the man resembled his brother.  _ Mitth’raw’nuruodo _ . It was uncanny, really, and the familiarity in the man’s face only made the pain flare more fiercely.

Karyn gripped Eli’s shoulder, pulling him back into the moment. Glancing towards her, Eli took a few slow breaths. Brows furrowed in concern, Karyn muttered, “You alright?”

“Yeah, yeah. I’m fine. I’ll be fine.”

He walked as though he was in a dream, sounds echoing strangely around him and limbs feeling tingly and numb all at once. Before he knew it, Eli was standing beside his soon-to-be husband. Hyper-aware of his presence, Eli completely missed the priest’s opening words, trying instead to calm his racing heart and the roiling sensation in his stomach.  _ Breathe, just breathe. It’ll be over soon _ .

“As it is in my power, I do.”

The low, smooth voice made Eli start out of his thoughts, wild eyes meeting the priest’s as he was asked, “And you, Mitth’eli’vanto?”

“A-As it is in my power, y-yes. I do.” Eli felt another wave of nausea as his words faltered, but neither the priest nor his new husband made any note of it. The priest gestured and from Eli’s left, Karyn stepped up beside him, holding out the sash. At the same time, a woman Eli had never seen before, dressed in the unmistakable white uniform of an Admiral, stepped up beside Mitth’raw’nuruodo, presenting him with a similar sash, this one featuring the addition of black thread to the gold and burgundy embroidery.

As the priest began to recite the final prayer of binding, Eli reached out with trembling fingers, lifting the sash from Karyn’s hands and stepping forward to drape it over his new husband’s shoulder, tying it at his hip with practiced movements. Stepping back, Eli fought the urge to cry or flee or both, holding painfully still as his husband mirrored his previous actions. The weight of the sash falling across his chest and back was painfully familiar, and as Eli watched the careful way Mitth’raw’nuruodo tied the knot at his hip, a soft, choked gasp and a single tear escaped him. His husband’s fingers paused at the sound, hovering just above the nearly finished knot in hesitation for only a brief moment, before slowly, delicately completing the work.

As one, they turned back to the priest who called upon the gods to bless their union and their families, and with that, the ceremony was complete. With one final glance at Karyn, whose face showed her concern despite what she probably hoped was an encouraging smile, Eli turned to Mitth’raw’nuruodo and took his offered hand. As he was led gently back out of the temple, Eli prayed that his husband wouldn’t feel his hand shaking.

\--

The usual festivities surrounding a wedding were foregone due to the circumstances, and for that Eli was grateful. He felt raw, both physically and emotionally, and all he wanted to do was draw a warm bath and cry himself to sleep. Unfortunately, the one tradition that they had not managed to escape was the  _ von’tehah nuvcah _ , the “Binding by Night.”

Last time, Eli had been excited. He could remember, vividly, the way his pulse had raced, his hand warm in Thrass’ as they practically ran through the Mitth estate to their bedroom. The whole evening was a whirlwind of sensation, laughter, and warmth, one of his most treasured memories. And now…

Mitth’raw’nuruodo’s hand was warm, but his grip wasn’t the careful hold of a lover’s. It felt foreign, almost rigid, in Eli’s and as they passed through hall after hall, Eli was suddenly overwhelmed with a feeling of claustrophobia. He’d been living at the estate for four years, and suddenly it felt foreign to him. Repressing the urge to shudder, Eli focused on his breathing. Then, sooner than he would have liked, they were in the bedroom.

Someone had been in here in the week since Eli had temporarily relocated to the East wing, unable to bear sleeping alone in the rooms he and Thrass had shared. He felt his stomach twist as he looked around, taking in the slight changes to the decor: a few extra books on the shelves, a vase he’d never seen before, the chairs by the fireplace shifted slightly. All these little details left Eli reeling and he almost missed how quickly Mitth’raw’nuruodo dropped his hand as soon as the door shut behind them.

Torn from the path of an oncoming panic attack, Eli tried to focus, watching through a haze as his husband moved towards the bed. Throat suddenly tight, Eli felt panic rising up again quickly, only to be dashed once more as Mitth’raw’nuruodo simply grabbed a pillow and blanket, crossing the room once more and beginning to settle onto the couch.

“I… What… What are you--?”

Mitth’raw’nuruodo’s eyes slid to meet Eli’s confused gaze, face utterly unreadable. “It’s been a long day, Mitth’eli’vanto. I thought this might be a more… appropriate arrangement.”

“‘Appropriate’...?” Eli echoed, too overcome with conflicting emotions to follow. “But… the  _ von’tehah nuvcah _ …”

“Nowhere is it actually required that the  _ von’tehah nuvcah _ be spent in physical intimacy. Especially since we are both men, and therefore cannot bear children of our own.” Mitth’raw’nuruodo studied Eli for a moment, a small frown on his face. “I can sleep in the drawing room, if you’d like.”

“I…” Eli felt hollow, as if a space in his chest had been emptied and a twisted knot of something wrong had been left inside and he didn’t understand why. A sudden wave of exhaustion overcame him and he let out a shaky breath, turning slowly towards the bed that now seemed much too large and cold. “No,” Eli murmured, carefully removing his wedding clothes until he was in just his loose underclothes, “It’s fine. Just fine.”

Slipping underneath the covers, Eli couldn’t shake the feeling of utter loneliness that settled into the empty space in the bed beside him. As the fire died down, slowly leaving the room in darkness, Eli cried himself silently to sleep.

\--

“You look awful.”

Eli glared as Karyn made her way across the terrace to join him at the table overlooking the gardens. She wasn’t  _ wrong _ , Eli supposed. It had been a week since the wedding and Eli was pretty sure he’d only managed about thirty hours of sleep in total. Not to mention that he’d spent every waking moment avoiding his new husband about as much as his husband was avoiding him. The atmosphere of awkwardness blanketing the entire Mitth estate was starting to become stifling, so when Karyn had asked if she could stop by, Eli had leapt at the chance to talk to someone who could offer more than stilted small talk.

Karyn settled into the chair across from Eli, glancing over the modest spread he’d had arranged for her visit. Tea (her favorite blend of apple blossom, Lysatran rooibos, and cinnamon) and an assortment of pastries were laid out across the table, and Eli watched with a small smile as she began to fix herself a cup. Beverage and snack plate assembled, she leaned back, studying him with a critical eye. “I take back my previous assessment. You don’t look awful. You look like shit. How much sleep have you been getting? Are you eating?”

Taking a slow sip of his own tea, Eli averted his gaze a little guiltily. “I… haven’t been getting as much sleep as I probably should.” A sharp look. “But! But I’ve been eating just fine. It’s just…” Eli sighed, setting his cup down and running a hand through his hair. “I didn’t think it would be this hard...”

Expression softening slightly, Karyn settled in, waiting patiently for Eli to gather his thoughts.

“When my parents told me they’d arranged for me to be engaged to the oldest son of the Mitth family, I was… angry. But I understood that it was an honor, a responsibility. And… once I’d gotten to know Thrass, really know him, I didn’t hate the idea. I don’t think I was  _ in love _ with Thrass while we were engaged, or even when we were married at first, but I  _ loved  _ him. And I think that’s what made it all so much more…  _ more _ . When he died, I’d only  _ just _ started to realize how much he really meant to me, more than just a political partner, but as a friend, a confidant.”

Eli took a long, slow breath, and sipped at his tea to give himself a moment. “I haven’t even really had a chance to mourn him. And now… I-I don’t know, Karyn. I just…” Tears were prickling at the corners of Eli’s eyes, and he wiped them away hurriedly, staring frustratedly down at a plate of danishes. “Mitth’raw’nuruodo slept on the couch that first night. Is  _ still _ sleeping on the couch. And I don’t know how to feel about it. We don’t talk to each other except for passing niceties. I’m actually pretty sure we’re avoiding each other as completely as we can. And I… it hurts? I don’t know why, but I feel… angry? Disappointed? That he won’t--that he doesn’t seem to  _ want _ , well,  _ me _ . But… I also feel like, like I’m betraying Thrass or something, and it’s just  _ too much _ , and I’m--”

“Eli.”

His voice faltered, taking in a lungful of air as Karyn gripped his hand tightly. Turning to look at her, he was almost surprised by the look of sympathy in her eyes. “I’m… I’m sorry, I--”

“Eli, just… shut up, for one second.” Giving his hand a reassuring squeeze, she began, “Look, I can’t possibly understand what you’re going through, but I can offer the perspective of an outsider looking in. I’ve known you since we were both in diapers, Eli, so I think I’ve got a pretty good read on what goes on up in that big ol’ brain of yours. And like usual, I think you’re overthinking things.”

“I’m not--”

“Eli Vanto, if you don’t let me finish, I’m going to tell your mother just how rude you are to house guests.” Eli’s mouth snapped shut, and Karyn nodded, satisfied, before continuing. “I remember when you were first engaged to Thrass. You told me about a thousand times before the official announcement party that he was probably a horrible snob who only cared about looks and money and screwing over poor people. And he was definitely kind of a snob who totally cared way too much about his looks, but after watching you talk with him for all of  _ three hours _ , I could already tell that you two would be thick as thieves. Look, the kind of relationship you two had? That was once in a lifetime. And I know that I want you to have a chance to mourn that loss properly. But Eli…”

Karyn shifted, pulling Eli’s other hand over so that they were sitting knee to knee, hands tangled between them. “I know that it’s hard to see beyond your own grief and recognize others’. You lost your husband, your best friend. And Mitth’raw’nuruodo? He lost someone, too.”

It was strange, and Eli felt utterly stupid as the words settled between them, but he had never actually stopped to think about how Mitth’raw’nuruodo was taking his brother’s death. All at once, Eli was swamped with a wave of guilt, that hollowness in his chest stretching wider and wider until he felt as if he might be torn in two. How could he have been so blind? So  _ selfish _ ? How could he--?

“Yeah, I’m going to cut off whatever mental whirlpool of guilt you just threw yourself into, Eli. It’s not your fault and I didn’t bring it up to make you feel guilty or anything. Hell, you’re dealing with plenty of shit right now, no one  _ expects _ you to be able to shoulder your own grief  _ and _ someone else’s.” Karyn smiled, soft and a little sad. “But I think it might help to remember that both of you are trying to deal with losing Thrass. Probably in different ways. And the family all but forcing the two of you to get married before either of you had gotten a chance to properly mourn? Yeah, there are  _ several _ high-ranking Aristocra members the Admiral has specifically forbidden me from punching on your account.

“Regardless, Eli, I don’t think Mitth’raw’nuruodo meant to make you feel bad by… well, uh… not sleeping with you.” Karyn stumbled over her words slightly, looking slightly embarrassed before gathering herself again. “I bet he was just trying to be considerate and didn’t realize how he came off. In fact, if you’re feeling a little guilty about sleeping with him, imagine how he’s feeling, thinking about sleeping with you. I mean, you were literally his brother-in-law until a week ago. And from the little I can get the Admiral to tell me about him from before he was in the Navy, he and Thrass were pretty close. So, uh, I guess what I’m trying to say is, maybe give him some time? Give yourself some time, too. It’s alright to not be okay.” She squeezed Eli’s hands encouragingly, offering a supportive smile.

Giving a watery smile in return, Eli merely nodded, not trusting himself to speak just yet.

“Oh, and you should probably talk to your  _ actual husband _ about this kinda stuff instead of jumping to conclusions and bottling it all up like a complete idiot.” Karyn punctuated the sentence with a sharp whack to the side of Eli’s head, her grin widening at his look of shock. “What? I’m not your therapist. I’m your friend. I’m allowed to whack you when you’re being a total fool.” Grabbing a pastry and taking a bite, Karyn’s tone turned serious. “So, will you talk to him? Like, really talk to him, about everything?”

“Yeah,” Eli said softly, breathing a little easier for the first time since Thrass had died. “Yeah, I think I can do that.”

\--

Thrawn had headed into the city for the day, ostensibly to take care of some sort of business, but in reality, to avoid the suffocating atmosphere of the Mitth estate. Ever since the wedding, he’d felt numb, as if he were a ghost simply drifting through all the expected motions, but not really  _ experiencing  _ anything. Of course, he attempted to rationalize it, pick apart all the broken pieces of his own mind and put them back together again, but there were just too many. When Thrawn had left to join the Navy twenty years ago, he’d had no plans of returning to the Mitth estate, had told Thrass as much. Of course, the persuasive bastard that he was, Thrass had managed to cajole Thrawn into returning for his engagement announcement and that’s when everything had begun to spiral out of Thrawn’s control.

_ “Well, well! The prodigal brother returns!” _

_ Thrawn frowned, shifting the strap of his bag higher on his shoulder as he stepped onto the dock. Thrass had always loved to make a scene, especially when it would make Thrawn uncomfortable, and apparently fifteen years and change hadn’t cured him of the habit. Practically launching himself across the dock, Thrass leapt at Thrawn, wrapping long arms around his younger brother’s neck and proclaiming how it was the “joy of all joys to see his baby brother back home, at last.” _

_ “Please, brother,” Thrawn groused, shoving the clingy, grinning man away and turning towards the city proper, “You make it sound as if I were spirited away by pirates, not serving a tour of duty.” _

_ Jogging to catch up with Thrawn’s long strides, Thrass slid his arm through his brother’s elbow, steering him away from the road that would take them to the Mitth estate. Eyebrow raised, Thrawn asked, “Are we not going to the estate?” _

_ “Come, little brother! I’ve been cooped up in there for  _ days _ being tugged this way and that to be asked inane questions like ‘What scented soap should we stock in the bathrooms? Who should we sit at which table? What style of embroidery should the napkins have?’ Honestly, you’d think they were planning the actual wedding and not the damned engagement announcement.” Dragging Thrawn toward one of the many tea rooms that were scattered around the Port District, Thrass grabbed a table outside and flagged down a server, ordering two  _ chai Lysatra _ and some pastries. Once their order was placed, he turned to Thrawn, looking him up and down with a warm smile. “You’re looking well, Thrawn. Happy, even. I’m glad.” _

_ Shifting a little uncomfortably under his brother’s gaze, Thrawn muttered, “I am. Happy, I mean. I think the Navy suits me and I’ve been blessed with a very… understanding commanding officer.” _

_ “Ah, Admiral Ar’alani. I’ve met her in passing at a few official Aristocra events. She’s got a razor wit and doesn’t take shit from those stuck up politicians.” _

_ Expression deadpan, Thrawn said, “Brother,  _ you _ are one of those stuck up politicians.” _

_ “I know, right?” Thrass’ grin was utterly ridiculous, and Thrawn couldn’t help but return it, the two of them chuckling as a server placed their tea and pastries on the table between them. As their laughter died down, Thrass began, “But truly, I’m glad you agreed to come. This is such an important moment and I can’t imagine going through with it without you.” _

_ Taking a sip of his tea, Thrawn tried to hide how much the words were affecting him. “You’ve always been the sentimental one. It was the least I could do. Although, I will make no promises about getting along with anyone while I’m here.” _

_ “Hah! As if I’d expect anything else. Plus, I enjoy how much grief you cause. It’s good for them. Keeps them on their toes.” _

_ As Thrass selected a pastry and went about fixing his tea, Thrawn took a moment to study his brother, taking note of the slight tightness in his shoulders. Clearly all this engagement planning was weighing on him, not to mention his actual work. “So… what can you tell me about your… betrothed?” _

_ Thrass snorted, giving Thrawn an amused look as he set his pastry aside, leaning back in his chair as he looked out over the busy street. “‘Betrothed’? How formal of you, brother. But, jokes aside, he is… not at all what I was expecting.” For a moment, Thrass’ eyes shifted focus, his expression growing thoughtful, almost serene. “I mentioned in my letter that his family was in trade, but I probably didn’t mention that they control the most expansive shipping company in the Border Isles: Vanto Shipping. You might have heard of them...” _

_ Thrawn had heard of them. A massive network of interconnected merchant groups that were overseen by a family known not only for their efficiency and business acumen, but also for their reliability and honesty, something not often prized in such industries these days... _

Slipping back to the present, Thrawn glanced around, not altogether surprised that his feet had brought him to the very tea room he had been reminiscing about. It was still relatively early, but the docks were busy with the first wave of fishermen and merchants preparing for the day. The tea room seemed to have just opened, and Thrawn took advantage of the relative emptiness of the seating area to settle into an out-of-the-way table in the corner. A woman approached and he quietly gave her his order before settling back to watch the activity on the docks. 

_ Thrawn had never felt comfortable at official functions like these. Standing in the corner of the Mitth estate’s lavish ballroom, he sipped sparingly at the, admittedly delicious, wine as he watched the crowd. All the expected guests were in attendance, each of the Ruling Families present and accounted for amongst the mass. Thrawn imagined they were all eager to see this supposed back-water merchant who had somehow weaseled his way into such a prestigious engagement, some out of honest curiosity and others out of a desire to find any chance to undermine the Mitth family. In his opinion, all this fanfare and posturing was an absurd waste of money and time, but no one had bothered to ask what Thrawn thought, and so here he was, bored out of his mind and wishing that Thrass had at least had the decency to stock a good liquor in addition to the wine. _

_ “They’re all kinda like a pack of sharks, aren’t they?” _

_ The voice was warm, but unfamiliar, Cheunh only lightly accented and not immediately obvious as a second language. When Thrawn glanced to the side, the man who had spoken simply raised his eyebrow, taking a slow sip of his own wine as rich brown eyes watched Thrawn with a deceptively sharp intensity. “My apologies, I don’t believe we’ve been introduced.” _

_ The man smirked slightly, studying Thrawn for another moment before polishing off his drink and holding out a hand to shake. “I imagine not. Technically, I’m not supposed to be in here for another fifteen minutes, but I was getting bored and I was curious to meet my future brother-in-law. I’m Eli.” _

_ Blinking slowly, Thrawn took a split second to reassess the man before him, reaching out to take his hand in a firm shake. That hand was surprisingly calloused, just as his face showed a smattering of freckles and coloring that were common amongst sailors and others who spent a majority of their time at sea. Clever, hard-working, and perhaps a bit mischievous… Thrawn allowed himself a small smile as he replied, “Mitth’raw’nuruodo. It’s a pleasure to make your acquaintance.” _

“I thought I might find you here.”

Thrawn started in his chair, glancing up from where he had been staring sightlessly into his cup of tea to see Admiral Ar’alani, dressed in simple civilian clothes. He moved to stand, military habits taking over as he tried to make sense of the situation, but she waved for him to stay seated. Taking the chair across from him, she gestured for the server and placed an order before turning to consider Thrawn with an utterly unreadable expression. Neither of them spoke until the woman returned with Ar’alani’s tea.

“I--”

“You have not been sleeping, and I doubt you’ve been feeding yourself properly.” Ar’alani took a slow sip of her tea, eyes running up and down Thrawn as if she were assessing a subordinate’s preparedness. “Captain Faro was correct to contact me.”

Thrawn’s brow furrowed. “Captain Ka'ryn'faro contacted--?”

“That is none of your concern,” Ar’alani interrupted. “We need to talk, Thrawn. We’ve needed to talk for a long time and I take it as a personal and professional failure that I have not done so sooner.” Pausing, she glanced pensively into her cup, fingers curled around the porcelain loosely. “I would like to think that you would consider me a friend after all these years, and is it not the duty of a friend to be supportive in times of great turmoil?”

“I…” Thrawn sighed, gentle smile touching his lips at Ar’alani’s questioning gaze. “Of course we are friends. And I do not think you have failed me in any way. Goodness knows, I don’t make it easy to… help.” He took a slow sip of his rapidly cooling tea. “You are correct, I have been in need of a friend to talk to, but I am also at fault for not encouraging such help. So I suppose I must thank you.”

“What a pair we make, hmm?”

“Indeed.”

They lapsed into a comfortable silence, watching the sun creep higher and higher in the sky and the streets slowly fill with the morning foot-traffic. At last, Ar’alani set her empty cup on the table, shifting so her body was angled towards Thrawn’s and asked gently, “How have you been faring? Since the news of Thrass’ passing?”

It was not the question Thrawn had been expecting, and it took him a moment to rearrange his thoughts. “I… I’m not actually certain. In all honesty, there hasn’t been all that much time to… to think about it, about  _ him _ . I…” Thrawn trailed off, surprised by the sensation of tears prickling at the corners of his eyes. Then, softly and a little strained, he choked out, “I miss him.”

Expression grave, Ar’alani reached across the table and placed a heavy, comforting hand on Thrawn’s shoulder. “It’s alright to mourn. Be angry, be sad. Feel those things. It is what reminds us of our own reality and the strength of our love for one another.” As she spoke, her tone low and even with currents of fervent compassion woven throughout, Thrawn ducked his head, letting the tears finally flow freely. “Your brother loved you, Thrawn. So much. There was rarely a time I worked with him that he did not ask after you. And because of this, I know he would want you to be happy. To remember him as he was, and not linger too long on the sadness of being apart.”

“I know,” Thrawn whispered, wiping at his eyes, “I know. I just… Everything that has happened… I don’t know what I’m doing. I love-- _ loved _ my brother more than anything, but now, with the wedding, I just… Meeting Mitth’eli’vanto was the best thing that ever happened to my brother. I’ve never seen him so unapologetically happy in his entire life, and now…” He looked up at Ar’alani, feeling more broken than he’d ever felt before. “I can’t replace him, Ar’alani. I can’t be Thrass, can’t be there for Mitth’eli’vanto like Thrass would have and it’s not  _ fair _ to him. I’m a sorry excuse for the love he should have had, for the husband he should have had, and I can’t help--I can’t help wishing sometimes that--that I were the one who had died…”

The reality of speaking the words out loud, of laying those haunting thoughts bare between them was terrifying, and yet oddly freeing. Thrawn had always struggled to speak about his emotions, preferring to consider them privately through as objective a lens as possible and picking them apart with logic and reason. After everything that had happened in the past month, however, his usual coping mechanisms seemed to be impossible, and he’d simply bottled everything up in an attempt to retain some semblance of control over his rapidly crumbling life. Taking a shuddering breath, Thrawn searched Ar’alani’s face for a sign of disappointment, of judgement over his inability to control himself, but all he found was empathy, a soft sadness and warm understanding in her eyes.

“The paths our lives take so often defy our wishes and expectations. It is unfair that you must suffer losing Thrass and so quickly be expected to take on the responsibilities of marriage, and to a man you hardly know.” Casting an eye over the now bustling streets, Ar’alani stood and placed some money on the table before gently guiding Thrawn to his feet and into the flow of people. “Perhaps I am being too presumptive, but I believe that what both you and Mitth’eli’vanto need in this moment is comfort and support. Mitth’eli’vanto is lucky to have such a steadfast friend in Captain Faro, but there is only so much that she can provide him. As for you,” Ar’alani offered a small smile, “I’ve known you many years now, Thrawn, and it has not escaped my notice that you habitually hold people at arms length. Those you allow close to you are few and far between. Perhaps… perhaps you might try opening yourself up to him. To speak about your grief, your loneliness. After all, has Mitth’eli’vanto not also lost someone dear to him?”

It was a sobering thought, one Thrawn had considered, but never with the possibility that Mitth’eli’vanto might want comfort or companionship from Thrawn himself. Thinking back, Thrawn was suddenly struck by their conversation that first night, when he’d insisted on sleeping on the couch out of consideration for Eli’s feelings. The look of hurt on his new husband’s face had somewhat confused Thrawn then, but now, through this new lens, he felt ashamed at how he must have made Eli feel. Unwanted, unloved, alone.

“Thrawn?”

“I… I believe I may have made a grievous error, and in doing so, hurt Mitth’eli’vanto in a way I had not considered.”

Eyebrow raised and eyes glimmering with a level of knowing that made Thrawn take a mental note to ask just what Ka'ryn’faro had told her, Ar’alani prompted, “Oh? Perhaps you should speak with him and clear the air. I’m told you two have been avoiding each other since the wedding.”

Thrawn blanched slightly, looking away from Ar’alani’s gaze guiltily. “That… is not  _ inaccurate _ . I suppose I could, maybe, suggest we talk? Over dinner?”

Nodding with approval, Ar’alani steered them towards the path back to the Mitth estate. “I think that would be a perfectly responsible course of action.”

\--

Eli could honestly say that the remainder of the afternoon had been pleasant. Understanding of how exhausting their earlier conversation had been, Karyn had almost immediately begun regailing him with stories of her latest deployment, most of which were probably true. He was glad for the distraction, but also for the easy way his friend accepted that his attention would wax and wane. At some point they had abandoned their tea in favor of walking through the estate’s vast gardens, Eli pointing out a particularly interesting flower or feature here and there in between Karyn’s stories.

It was the seventh time she brought up her commanding officer, eyes a little distant and hazy as she recounted the woman’s single-handed defeat of a pirate king, that Eli felt a little spark of his old humor return. “The Admiral sounds like quite an impressive woman.”

“She is…” Karyn agreed, voice a little wistful, and turned to see Eli’s shit-eating grin. Stumbling over her words in an attempt to back-track, she added, “I mean, uh, she’s… she’s an incredibly capable leader and I am  _ honored _ to serve under her.”

“Yeah,” Eli drawled, grin widening at the flush that was spreading across Karyn’s cheeks, “I bet it’s a  _ real honor _ to serve under her.”

Face now redder than Eli had ever seen it, Karyn shoved him, “Eli fucking Vanto, you are a  _ menace _ . I can’t  _ believe _ \-- after all the effort I put into trying to be supportive--”

Eli was now bent over, full belly laughs bringing tears to his eyes. Wheezing, he attempted to defend himself to his friend, who was still berating him, but with a fond smile on her face. “I’m sorry! I’m sorry, I just…” Eli wiped a tear from his eye, straightening as he did his best to catch his breath. “It’s been so long since I’ve gotten to tease you about a crush.”

Glancing away as her blush returned, Karyn just shook her head with a fond smile. “You’re lucky I’d be in serious trouble with your mother if I punched your lights out, Vanto.”

“Heh, fair. Still,” his smile softened, “you’re really serious about this, aren’t you?”

“I… I meant what I said, about it being an honor to serve with her. The Admiral is… Well, she’s intelligent and brave. She commands respect, but has also  _ earned _ it, you know? She’s… well, she’s also incredibly kind and thoughtful…” Karyn trailed off, smiling a little sadly at Eli. “If all I can have is to serve at her side, I’m going to hold onto that as long as I can.”

Returning the smile, Eli reached out, pulling her into a hug, murmuring, “You’ll work it out. You always do.”

The moment ended abruptly, however, when Karyn pulled back, snapping into military posture and snapping a quick salute. “Admiral!”

“At ease, captain. Neither of us is on duty.”

Whirling around, Eli felt as if a cold bucket of water had just been poured over him. Admiral Ar’alani, dressed in casual clothes, yet somehow still managing to be as imposing as ever, strolled towards them from the terrace they had just returned to, and at her side…

Mitth’raw’nuruodo looked just about as exhausted as Eli felt, his eyes a little red-rimmed and puffy, as if he’d been crying. Flashing back to their earlier conversation, Eli was suddenly struck by how obvious the weight of Thrass’ death weighed around Mitth’raw’nuruodo’s shoulders. Before Eli could formulate a polite greeting, the Admiral had stopped before them, running a critical eye over Eli before turning to address Karyn.

“Captain, it is nearly time for the fleet to depart. I thought we might return to the port together and allow these two to… discuss things.”

“Of course, sir. A moment to say my goodbyes?”

Nodding solemnly, the Admiral turned away, gripping Mitth’raw’nuruodo’s shoulder for a long moment before making her way back towards the entrance to the estate. Watching her go, Eli could feel the anxiety rising in his chest, but Karyn grabbed his arm, turning him to face her. “Hey, Eli. Remember what we talked about.” He nodded, taking slow breaths as she studied his face. “You can do this. Just remember: you are one of the strongest, most compassionate men I know. All you have to do is let yourself be a little vulnerable. Okay?”

“Y-Yeah. Yeah, of course.” Grinning a little shakily, he added, “You’d better go get your woman, Faro.”

Chuckling softly, Karyn pulled him in for another quick hug and a brief kiss to the forehead before she turned away, nodding a polite farewell to Mitth’raw’nuruodo as she followed after the Admiral.

And like that, they were alone.

Thrawn could feel his flight instinct kicking in as soon as Captain Ka'ryn'faro disappeared around the hedge, leaving him alone with his new husband. They stood awkwardly, each watching the other and seeming to study them as the silence stretched out. It was strange, as Thrawn looked at Mitth’eli’vanto, it was as if he were seeing him,  _ truly _ seeing him, for the first time. His stance was somewhat defensive and there was a tightness in his shoulders, but his eyes were lit with determination, that fire that Thrawn had fallen for all those years ago.

“Would, uh…” Mitth’eli’vanto began, stumbling a little over the words before forcibly shifting his stance to be more open and trying again. “Would you like to walk with me?”

“I think I’d like that, yes.”

The gardens had always offered Thrawn some form of comfort and escape when he had been staying at the estate. Now, walking amongst the beautifully landscaped arbors and flowerbeds, he felt himself relaxing slightly, still aware of the nervousness brought on by the presence of his husband, but not ruled by it. For his part, Mitth’eli’vanto was quiet, keeping an easy pace beside Thrawn and seeming deep in thought. It was a surprisingly comforting silence, and Thrawn found himself more than happy to allow Mitth’eli’vanto to gather his thoughts.

After a quarter of an hour or so, they stopped beside a small pond, Thrawn politely gesturing towards a bench that sat beneath the shade of some birch trees. Once they had both seated themselves, still carefully avoiding actually touching one another, the tension seemed to rise, until, at once, they spoke.

“I really have--”

“I must apolo--”

They both cut off suddenly, staring at one another with a mixture of surprise and embarrassment. Then, like the shattering of glass, they both fell into easy laughter, the atmosphere between them significantly lightened. The first to gather himself, Thrawn took a slow breath, beginning again. “It would seem we have both been a little foolish.”

“Heh, I think Karyn phrased it a little more harshly, but… yeah. I… I’m sorry for being so wrapped up in myself that I didn’t even consider what you must be going through.”

“There is nothing to apologize for, Mitth’eli’vanto. It is I who should apologize. I--”

“Eli.”

Thrawn paused, blinking slightly. “What?”

“Call me Eli.”

“I…” Thrawn took a moment to look his husband over before smiling softly. “Of course, Eli. And… please, call me Thrawn.”

“Thrawn… yeah, I can do that.” Returning the smile, Eli said, “So, should we try this again? From the start? ‘Cause I think I’d really like to get to know you better.”

“And I, you, Eli.”

“Good, because I’m pretty sure Thrass said you were the only other person who knew why he hated this pond so much and I’m really hoping you’ll tell me.”

Eli’s grin was like a sunrise, bright and warm and full, and Thrawn felt for the first time since his brother’s death that maybe, just maybe, he’d be alright. “Well, if I recall correctly, the incident involved one of my brother’s favorite tunics…”


End file.
